‘She is a grandma, mum and best friend rolled into one’

In September 2003, the JC published an article about a university fresher called Hayley Shaw. Abandoned by her divorced mother outside a clinic when she was nearly three, and with a father whose ill health prevented him from looking after her, Hayley was brought up by her paternal grandparents, Rita and Sydney Shaw.

Hayley told the JC in the article that as she was embarking on her university career, she wanted to dedicate her degree to her grandparents, whom she said were “absolutely amazing”.

The original JC article from 2023 (Photo: The Jewish Chronicle)[Missing Credit]

Fast-forward 22 years, and her grandfather has sadly passed away, but her grandmother, who turns 95 on May 17, continues to be, says Hayley, “the strongest person I know” and “a grandma, a mum and a best friend” all rolled into one.

While Hayley still lives in Ilford, Essex, with Rita, whom she affectionately calls “Nan”, and has, to some extent, taken on the role of carer, she says that her grandmother’s brain is “100 per cent there”, adding: “She is incredibly independent, gets around in taxis and still volunteers at Jewish Care after 25 years.”

Last year, Rita received Jewish Care’s “Terry Wogan Award” for leading a weekly discussion group at its day centre at Woodford Forest United Synagogue. “She studies the newspapers and current affairs, but she is very strict about participants not talking about politics – or sex,” laughs Hayley, 40, who now works at the Royal College of Psychiatrists. On Tuesday, the staff, volunteers and members of the day centre honoured Rita with a birthday celebration.

Rita and Hayley Shaw[Missing Credit]

Speaking to the JC on the eve of her 95th birthday, Rita says that when she found out that Hayley was due to be adopted by a non-Jewish couple – a priest and his wife – she and her husband dropped their plans to move to America, where they had wanted to live to be closer to their daughter, and backed out of the sale of their house. “Right from the word go, we couldn’t let her be adopted by strangers. Looking after her was just something we had to do. It was like breathing.”

Some of their friends, she said, “thought we were crazy” to bring up a toddler when they were in their mid-50s, “but they didn’t have what we had, which was the absolute joy of bringing up this child”.

Even speaking to them over the phone, the closeness between the two is palpable, and Hayley, who Rita describes as “a wonderful caring person”, has, says the latter, “made me both the mother and the grandmother. I feel that besides Hayley being my granddaughter, she is also my daughter.”

Hayley and Rita Shaw when Hayley was a little girl (Photo: courtesy of Hayley Shaw)[Missing Credit]

The two of them have a shared joke that the only thing missing from each of their lives is “a Prince Charming”, says Hayley. “I’m still looking for my Mr Right, but whoever he is, he would have to be approved by Nan in order to join the family, and I would also have to approve of any future male companion for her.”

Over the years, when people saw Hayley and Rita together, they would sometimes assume that Rita was actually her mother, and, occasionally, Hayley would ask her grandmother if she could call her “Mummy”.

But since Rita and Sydney were her legal guardians rather than her adopted parents (adoption would have made Hayley’s father technically her brother), Rita would explain to Hayley that she wasn’t her mum. “She knew from day one that I was her grandma but that we were bringing her up because we loved her.”

Hayley as a child with grandparents Sydney and Rita Shaw[Missing Credit]

But it wasn’t always straightforward explaining the relationship to schoolfriends, recalls Hayley. “Some of them said I was ‘different’, but as I grew older, people became more accepting, and my grandparents became surrogate grandparents to my friends, many of whom spent lots of time growing up in [our home].”

Since the original JC article was published, Rita has suffered huge losses. Her husband of 66 years died in 2017; her son, Hayley’s father, died suddenly of sepsis at the age of 60 the following year; her daughter died of Covid in 2020, aged 66, and she has also tragically lost two grandchildren.

Throughout it all, the pair, who are members of Cranbrook United Synagogue, have been there for one another. “I have been her rock through all the losses, and she has been my rock all the time,” says Hayley.

Conceding that her grandma “has her difficult days, and questions things”, Hayley adds: ”Some people wouldn’t be able to get out of bed, but Nan is really grateful for what she has.”

Celebrating good times (Photo: courtesy of Hayley Shaw)[Missing Credit]

Saying she doesn’t think she would have coped with all the bereavements in her life without Hayley’s support, Rita says: “Every now and again, during a normal waking day, I think about the loss of my daughter, my husband and son and think: ‘Poor me.’

"But then I ask myself: ‘What would Hayley say?’ She says that I have to think of the pleasant things about them, not that they are gone. Then the grief dissolves.”

No doubt it is also Rita’s extraordinary positivity and can-do attitude, neither of which have diminished with age, that have helped her get through some very tough times.

Reflecting on her outlook, she says: “My husband and I brought up Hayley with the philosophy that while today might not be good, tomorrow will be much better. My cup is always half full, not half empty. I think some of this has rubbed off on Hayley and that she will carry this with her even when I am long gone.”